Archived: November 30, 2000

George Bush/Al Gore Home Run Derby (Final)


Home Run Totals
(640 pitches)

George W. Bush Wins Home Run Derby

11/8/2000 Final Round-Final Pitch*
Pitch 640 @ 2:18 AM EST
Bush- Homerun- Total Homeruns= 320
Gore- Flyout- Total Homeruns= 319

*[Final pitch was delayed 2 hours and 19 minutes due to rain.]

11/7/2000 Final Round Updates

Pitch 639 @ 11 PM EST
Bush- Homerun- Total Homeruns=319
Gore- Groundout- Total Homeruns=319

Pitch 638 @ 10 PM EST
Bush- Groundout- Total Homeruns=318
Gore- Flyout- Total Homeruns=319

Pitch 637 @ 9 PM EST
Bush- Homerun- Total Homeruns=318
Gore- Flyout- Total Homeruns=319

Pitch 636 @ 8 PM EST
Bush- Homerun- Total Homeruns=317
Gore- Homerun- Total Homeruns=319

Pitch 635 @ 6 PM EST
Bush- Flyout- Total Homeruns=316
Gore- Homerun- Total Homeruns=318

Pitch 634 @ 4 PM EST
Bush- Flyout- Total Homeruns=316
Gore- Flyout- Total Homeruns=317

Pitch 633 @ 2 PM EST
Bush- Homerun- Total Homeruns=316
Gore- Flyout- Total Homeruns=317

Pitch 632 @ 12 Noon EST
Bush- Homerun- Total Homeruns=315
Gore- Homerun- Total Homeruns=317

Pitch 631 @ 10 AM EST
Bush- Flyout- Total Homeruns=314
Gore- Homerun- Total Homeruns=316

11/6/2000 Update: There is only one more round of pitches to be thrown in the Home Run Derby. Each candidate gets ten more pitches. At the conclusion of tomorrow's round the candidate with the most home runs will get a spot on the Season 2001 Washington Presidents roster. If there is a tie at the end of tomorrow's round, the team has decided to toss a coin to decide which candidate will be added to the roster.

10/29/2000 Update: This home run derby was supposed to conclude today. However, because the contestants have each hit an equal number of homeruns the contest will be extended until November 7.

Since the Washington Presidents will be adding one new player to its roster in November and since the team needs a power-hitting outfielder, club officials have decided to conduct a home run derby pitting the two top contenders, Democrat Al Gore and Republican George W. Bush, against each other.
The derby will be conducted from Labor Day through October 29. Each day during this period each contender will be thrown 10 fastballs by a simulated pitcher. The batter with the most home runs at the end of the contest will, assuming other factors don't intervene, be awarded a position on the Presidents' 2001 roster.

(Note: At the moment Green Party candidate Ralph Nader and Reform Party candidate Patrick Buchanan have not requested to be included in the derby. Team officials said however that if a request is received by either individual, or any other contender, prior to Labor Day, they would be eligible to compete in the derby. The fact that neither Nader nor Buchanan have asked to be included in the contest suggests that they do not hold any realistic expectations of making the team.)

[September 4, 2000]

Season 2001 Rookies
1st Round

Round One of the Rookie Draft is complete. The following rookies have been selected. Round Two will take place in the Winter.

Armageddonia Anarchists (Politics)
Praxidis G. Guerreo IF/OF
Eden Bohemians (Literature)
Paulette Jiles P
Heartland Capitalists (Business)
Hank Barry P
Delta Dragons (Music)
Eminem P
Britney Spears IF/OF
Alphatown Ionians (Philosophy/Science)
Thomas Kuhn P
Simone Weil IF/C
Motherland Mothers
Jocasta P
Rose Kennedy IF/C
Ma Barker P
Bobbi McCaughey IF
Paradise Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Elizabeth Barrett Browning P
Jennifer Love Hewitt RF
Allahville Shabazzers (Civil Rights)
James Luther Bevel P
Silis Muhammad P
Telecity Superbas (Television)
Chris Carter P
David Chase C/IF
David E. Kelley P
Debra Messing P
Krista Miller CF
Aaron Sorkin SS
Bhutan Vanguards (Art)
Emily Carr OF
Chuck Close P
Vestal Virgins (Women)
Dora Marsden P
Wonderland Warriors (Military)
Esther M. Blake C
Kara Hultgreen P
Darlene Iskra P
[November 1, 2000]

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[October 8, 2000]
November 2000 News Archive

November 26
Cosmic Universal Series XIX
Pisces Win Series
The Paradise Pisces swept the Psychedelphia Woodstockings in the 19th edition of the Cosmic Universal Series. Despite the relative closeness of the last three games it was clear from the start that the Overleague Pisces would dominate the Middleleague Woodsox.

Pisces pitcher Kelsey Grammer won games 1 & 4 (he was a last minute choice to start the opener when the scheduled starter Cyd Charisse came down with the flu.) Grammer posted a series earned run average of 2.00 and racked up 12 striekouts.

The Most Cosmic Player Award went to Pisces secondbaseman and race car driver Bobby Unser. Unser batted .400 with two homeruns and 8 runs batted in.

This was the Pisces fifth Series appearance and fourth victory; only the Alphatown Ionians have a better record in Cosmic Universal Series history.

This was the Woodsox' first series and if the team stays in tact we can expect to see them in the post-season again next year. Ho Chi Minh, Muhammad Ali and Martin Luther King had good series performances. The key to ultimate success for the Woodsox will be shoring up the pitching staff.

Click to Access Series Plate

November 21
Online Cosmic Baseball Database
A searchable database (CBASE) of all cosmic baseball batters and pitchers is now online and available to members and friends of the Cosmic Baseball Association.

In addition to an alphabetical listing of all cosmic baseball players the database includes information about the number of seasons a cosmic player was active. For cosmic batters, composite career batting averages are provided. Cosmic pitcher information includes composite career earned run averages and won/loss records.

Click to Access CBASE

November 16
New Cosmic Baseball Team
Imperial City Insects
The Imperial City Insects are the Cosmic Baseball Association's newest team. Consisting of representatives from the Animal Kingdom's Insecta Class the team will compete in the Underleague during the 2001 Season which gets underway on the Ides of March (March 15, 2001.)

The team is managed by famous entomologists and the players represent various "bugs" including members of the Isoptera (Termite), Heteroptera (Stink Bug), Lepidoptera (Butterfly) and Diptera (Wasp) orders.

Click for Team Roster

November 8    4:23 AM EST
Did Bush Cork His Bat?
At 2:18 AM EST this morning George W. Bush hit a homerun in the last round of the Home Run Derby thereby winning a spot on the Washington Presidents' 2001 active roster (see story below). At 4 AM EST a report surfaced alleging that Bush may have corked his bat. Team owner George Washington, who two hours earlier had welcomed Bush to the team, ordered an investigation into the allegation.

At this moment the investigation proceeds. Reliable sources indicate that if the charges are true then Albert Gore would automatically replace Bush as the team's newest rookie.

November 8     2:20 AM EST
Presidents Draft Bush
Despite a two hour rain delay, George W. Bush edged out Albert Gore in a Home Run Derby and earned himself a spot on the Washington Presidents' 2001 active player roster. Bush, like Gore, is an outfielder, and most likely will be the team's starting centerfielder.

Bush won the home run contest on the 640th and last pitch of the extended derby at 2:18 in the morning. Bush hit a total of 320 homeruns; Gore hit 319.

The ball Bush hit to win the derby just barely cleared the rightfield fence of LaFayette Park, the Presidents' home field. Gore's last swing resulted in a flyball that just missed clearing the leftfield wall.

Team owner, George Washington, welcomed the younger Bush (his father, George P. Bush is a non-active roster pitcher) to the team in a brief ceremony held on the rain-drenched field.

November 3
Lobster Boy Is B'Stormer Skipper
Grady Stiles, Jr. also known as the Lobster Boy was named today as the new field manager of the Bigtopia Barnumstormers, the Cosmic Baseball Association's team of circus side-show performers. Stiles replaces Emmett Kelly who was fired last month after the B'Stormers, who compete in the cosmic Underleague, turned in another disappointing season (won-lost record: 75-87.)

Grady Stiles was born in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in 1937 with a condition known as ectrodactyly which causes fingers to fuse together giving the appearance of pincers. Like his father before him, Stiles made a living touring with various carnivals. Apparently Stiles was an alcoholic who abused members in his family. He killed the fiancÚ of one of his daughters because he disapproved of the man. Somehow, Stiles was able to beat the rap. In 1992 his wife, Mary hired Harry Glen Newman, a teenage neighbor to shoot and kill her husband. Stiles was shot dead while watching television in his trailer in the circus town of Gibsonton, Florida. Mary was convicted of manslaughter and conspiracy and received a 12-year prison term. Newman received a 27-year sentence. One of Stiles' sons, who acted as the middleman in the murder plot, got 25 years.

Fred Rosen wrote a 1997 book, Lobster Boy: The Bizarre Life and Brutal Death of Grady Stiles which details the unfortunate story of Stiles. Hollywood is making a film about Lobster Boy's life.

In announcing the appointment of Stiles, B'Stormers general manager Lou Jacobs, said the team needed someone who would impose more discipline on a team that is known for its rowdiness on and off the cosmic playing field.

[Stiles son, Grady Stiles III, who also has ectrodactyly, is a utility player on the B'Stormers. The younger Stiles was 16 and asleep in a back bedroom of the trailer when his father was murdered.]

November 1
Steve Allen (1921-2000)
Steve Allen, who pitched for the Cosmic Baseball Association's Telecity Superbas for 15 seasons passed away yesterday while playing with his grandchildren in Encino, California. Born on December 26, 1921 in New York City, Allen was a prolific writer, composer, actor, comedian, social satirist and political activist.

After dropping out of college in the early 1940s Allen began his show business career in 1943 as a radio announcer in Phoenix, Arizona.

He composed over 8,500 tunes, published more than 40 books, played Benny Goodman in the 1956 biopic of the musician and is credited with creating the television talk show format. In 1953 he began hosting a local version of the Tonight Show in New York City. NBC made the show national with Allen as host in 1954. After leaving the Tonight Show he hosted a variety show that showcased a wide range of personalities including, in 1958, the Beat Generation author Jack Kerouac. He was a major television star during the 1950s.

In addition to his comedic sensibility, Allen was a social activist. He wrote a 1966 book entitled The Ground is Our Table that analyzed the plight of migrant farm workers. His 1991 book Dumbth mourned the decline of American cultural values.

As a cosmic pitcher Allen could be a workhorse but he could also be erratic on the mound. His best season occurred in 1992 when he won 19 games. He retired from cosmic baseball after 15 seasons in 1997.

In reference to all the paper he generated with his songs and books Allen once told a reporter from the New York Times that "it would be appropriate after I die if they just shovel 8,000 pounds of paper on top of me instead of dirt."

Hey ho Steverino, rest in peace.

Official Cosmic Record

Link to Steve Allen Website

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Archived: November 30, 2000
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