CBA News & Information Archive

September 1996

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September 24, 1996


The Dharma Beats (Season 1996 Won-73, lost-89) finished in the basement of the CBA's Overleague this season and lots of folks pointed to the field manager when attempting to explain the problem. For the last two seasons, Jack Kerouac has been the manager and the everyday leftfielder for the Beats. Yesterday, in a post-season interview, Kerouac announced he would give up his field management responsibilities and focus on being a better fielding, better hitting outfielder. Kerouac also announced that the Brooklyn-born poet Robert Kelly would be tagged to be the Beats' manager next season. Kelly, who has published over fifty books of poetry, fiction, and plays, played outfield for the Beats from 1991 through 1994 and compiled a career .245 average and hit 29 career homeruns. Kerouac further indicated that his last wife, Stella Sampas, would probably not return as the Beats' thirdbase person. But Kerouac did not indicate who would replace her. While Kerouac gives up the field manager's job he still maintains effective control of the team through his mother, Memere, who is the nominal owner of the team. Insiders and outsiders wonder whether or not Kelly will have a free hand when it comes to managing the team. Kelly's credentials to lead the team are clear. John Martin, publisher of Black Sparrow Press books has observed that "From Walt Whitman to William Carlos Williams to Ezra Pound, in that one very clear line of poets and poetry [Kelly is] a major figure." In addition to his writing, Kelly has, since 1961, taught at Bard College in New York. Coincidentally, Kelly is one of the featured authors in the current issue of the Journal of the CBA. His contribution, A Pastoral Dialogue on the Game of the Quadrature is one of the CBA's most frequently accessed plates.

September 21, 1996


The Overleague finished up the 1996 Season and the Washington Presidents, who jumped out to an early season lead, held on to win the Overleague pennant. The Presidents, despite faltering in the waning weeks of the season, led the league in batting average (.260) and homeruns (163). More complete statistics have been published on the Final Official Statistics plate. The Presidents will play the winner of the Underleague Championship Series which gets started October 1 when the Busriders and the Songbirds compete in a best-of-five series. The best-of-seven Cosmic Universal Series begins on Thanksgiving.

Final 1996 Overleague Standings

TEAM WON LOST PCT GB Washington Presidents 93 69 .574 - Paradise Pisces 88 74 .543 -5 Alphatown Ionians 82 80 .506 -11 Wonderland Warriors 76 86 .469 -17 Vestal Virgins 74 88 .457 -19 Dharma Beats 73 89 .451 -20

September 21, 1996


The membership referendum on CBA's use of the designated hitter has ended. Approximately 200 votes were cast. Final results will be published next month and a final decision on the rule will be made in November. At last count the voting was close with approximately 54% of the voting members recommending that the DH be dropped from cosmic baseball games. However, a flurry of untabulated votes arrived just before the deadline. Stay tuned for more.

September 15, 1996

Special Archive Plate- 1993 Tropicland Hurricanes

CBA announces the publication of a special archive plate honoring the 1993 Tropicland Hurricanes. One of CBA's most dominant teams, the Tropicland Hurricanes, won 115 games in 1993. The team consist of cyclones that reached the east and southeast coasts of the United States. This Special Plate contains the official roster and statistical data for the 1993 season. Also included are numerous links to hurricane-related sites on the World Wide Web.

September 15, 1996


CBA's Underleague teams completed the regular portion of the 1996 season yesterday. The Busriders and the Songbirds will face off in the Cosmic Underleague Series which begins October 1. The Overleague finishes up next Saturday (9/21). Here are the final Underleague team standings:

Final 1996 Underleague Standings

Underleague- Oriental Wing

TEAM Won Lost Pct GB Pranktown Busriders 90 64 .584 - Eden Bohemians 81 73 .526 9 Heartland Capitalists 78 76 .506 12 Psychedelphia Woodsox 77 77 .500 13 Telecity Superbas 75 79 .487 15 Paintland Vermeers 61 93 .396 29

Underleague- Occidental Wing

TEAM                                    Won    Lost     Pct      GB
Vienna Songbirds                          86      68    .558      -
Visionville Beasts                        80      74    .519       6
Nude Island Erotics                       77      77    .500       9
Nirvanaville Yogis                        75      79    .487      11
Bolex Poetics                             74      80    .481      12
Park City Postmasters                     70      84    .455      16

September 6, 1996


Baseball is well-known for its use of nicknames and one that comes to mind just now is an outfielder who played three years in the major leagues. Robert Sidney Hazle, born December 9, 1930 in South Carolina made it to the big leagues on September 8, 1955, nearly a year after the real Hurricane Hazel smashed into the Carolinas. An outfielder, "Hurricane" Hazle played six unremarkable games with the Cincinnati Reds and was traded to the Milwaukee Braves where he played the 1957 and part of the 1958 seasons. He ended his major league career in 1958 after being traded to the Detroit Tigers. He played in 110 major league games, came to bat 261 times, scored 37 runs, hit 9 homeruns and earned a career batting average of .310 in three seasons. All in all, Hurricane Hazle was more of tropical wave; but it's likely that his baseball nickname had something to do with the cyclone we call Hurricane Hazel. Mr. Hazle passed away on April 25, 1992 in South Carolina. Eight months before he died, Hurricane Bob swiped the Carolina coast and four months after his death, Hurricane Andrew wreaked havoc in the Bahamas, Southern Florida and Louisiana.

September 5, 1996

Special Archive Plate


The Cosmic Baseball Research Alliance in cooperation with the editors of the Journal of the Cosmic Baseball Association announce the publication of a special archive plate honoring the 1987 Khe Sanh Commanders. The Commanders played in the CBA from 1987 through 1989. An original team in the now defunct CBA Lucre League, the Commanders were transferred to the War In Vietnam League for the 1988 Season. The Commanders served as a source team for the Wonderland Warriors, a CBA Overleague team. The 1987 Khe Sanh Commanders consist of commissioned officers in the United States Marines who fought in the Khe Sanh area between 1967 and 1968. Many of the original Commanders were drafted from the 26th Marine Regiment. This special archive plate includes links to Khe Sanh and Vietnam War related sites on the World Wide Web.

September 2, 1996


It is pretty clear who the winners are going to be, with about fifteen games left. The Washington Presidents have the Overleague sewn up, despite a faltering month of August. In the Underleague the Pranktown Busriders will win the Oriental Wing crown and the Vienna Songbirds will win the Occidental Wing prize. A couple of individual performances are worth watching. Al Capone has 45 homeruns, can he break 50? It doesn't look like anyone will break the .300 mark but Louis Farrakhan and Sitting Bull, both Pisces, have a shot. Pitching has been awesome this season, but there probably won't be any 20 game winners. No triple crown winner is likely. Cosmic Player of the Year? Well, it's anybody's guess, but some of the likely contenders would include; Archimedes George Berkeley John Kennedy, James Monroe and George C. Marshall. The season ends September 21, 1996. The Underleague Championship Series (Best of 5) begins October 1 and the winner will take on the Overleague champions in the Best of Seven Cosmic Series beginning on Thanksgivinig Day (November 28).

September 1, 1996


The Overleague-leading Washington Presidents announced today that pitching coach Ross Perot was fired and that Richard Morris will take his place. The Presidents (86-59), who have been faltering during the last month, just lost their last four games, mainly because of the collapse of the bullpen. Manager Benjamin Franklin and Owner George Washington decided during this week that a new pitching coach might be the proper remedy. Others, inside and outside of the organization, think the problem is more serious and that a change in coaches will have little effect. Morris, a political consultant, joins the team just after his resignation from the Clinton reelection team. Apparently his resignation from Clinton's political staff was the result of some inappropriate behavior between himself and a woman. In the political arena, Morris has been credited with engineering Clinton's political comeback. Morris will still be advising Clinton, who pitches for the Presidents, but not about political strategies. His input now will be about helping Clinton and the other presidential pitchers regain their confidence on the mound. Perot announced he would be devoting all his energies to his Reform Party election campaign.

September 1, 1996

Cosmic Game


The Beats (68-77) have been slipping, and so have the Overleague leading Presidents (86-59). Pitching dominated this game and the Beat pitchers Charles Bukowski and John Cassady stymied the chief executives by throwing a five-hit shutout. President Bill Clinton didn't pitch poorly at all until the top of the ninth when he gave up two singles and a double, allowing the Beats 2 runs which the anemic hitting Presidents could not match. Clinton may have faltered in the ninth because of exhaustion which the coaching staff missed. Afterall, he pitched a solid shutout for eight innings in the same week he was re-nominated by the Democratic Party to be their presidential candidate. Maybe someone should shake up the Presidential coaching staff. [Ed. Note: See above article]

September 1, 1996

September 1, 1996


CBA's Designated Hitter Rule Referendum continues through September 21, 1996. See the July and August News & Information plates for more details. Also check out the information on the Designated Hitter Referendum Plate.

September 1, 1996


The Internet and the World Wide Web are valuable resources for the baseball historian, enthusiast, and fan. The USENET newsgroups provide a popular interactive approach to baseball-related information. Below is a listing of active newsgroups relating to real-world baseball. There are no newsgroups dealing exclusively with cosmic baseball...not yet.
The following newsgroups in the USENET domains are available:

September 1, 1996


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Updated: September 30, 1996
Revised: August 1, 1997
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