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Archived: August 31, 2002
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Team Standings
As of 8/31/2002
Team Won Lost Pct GB
Virgins 85 53 .616 -
Ionians 73 65 .529 12
Warriors 67 71 .486 18
Presidents 66 72 .478 19
Beats 63 75 .457 22
Pisces 61 77 .442 24
Team Won Lost Pct GB
Busriders 86 52 .623 -
Vanguards 85 53 .616 1
Woodsox 83 55 .601 3
Capitalists 75 63 .543 11
Superbas 69 69 .500 17
Dragons 64 74 .464 22
Bohemians 60 78 .435 26
Poetics 31 107 .225 55
Team Won Lost Pct GB
Preluders 94 44 .681 -
Minstrels 87 51 .630 7
Tricksters 83 55 .601 11
B'Stormers 70 68 .507 24
Rapunzels 69 69 .500 25
Anarchists 65 73 .471 29
Cars 64 74 .464 30
Velocitors 60 78 .435 34
Mothers 52 86 .377 42
PRB 45 93 .326 49
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Havelock Ellis Named Ionian Coach
August 26, 2002
Havelock Ellis
Havelock Ellis (1859-1939), the distinguished English psychologist and former Cosmic Baseball Association pitcher has been named coach of the Alphatown Ionians. (Havelock is not related to Dock Ellis, a former Major League Baseball pitcher. Havelock, however, is a doctor and Dock isn't.)

Ellis replaces the fired Severino Antinori (b. 1945) who took over the coaching job from David Hume (1711-1776) in April. Sources indicate that Antinori's "hot dog" style conflicted with the more conservative nature of the players. Antinori became an "unwelcome distraction" according to one veteran Ionian player.

Historically Havelock Ellis is notable for his studies in the field of psychology and sex. Like Krafft-Ebing and Freud, Ellis is part of the tradition that unleashed sex from its religious moorings and united it with science. This development began the de-moralizing of sex. The re-naturalizing of sexual matters is a phenomenon still in process today.

Ellis was a former pitcher for the now defunct Nude Island Erotics. He has said in the past that he would like to play cosmic baseball again. Taking the Ionian coaching job may be a first step in that direction.

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DSM-IV Code 315.2 Throws a No-Hitter
August 19, 2002
Link to Personal Game Report
Two examples of science's attempts to deal with psychological problems met today on a cosmic baseball field. Remarkably, one of the newly identified problems, "Disorder of Written Expression" pitched a no-hitter, denying every sexual perversion that stepped up to the plate.

The sexual perversions, in the form of cases from Richard von Krafft-Ebing's Psychopathia Sexualis (first published in 1886), mostly just stood dumb-founded as the team assembled from codes used in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (4th Edition; 1994) baffled them, case by case.

Whoever wants to know the heart and mind...
August 12, 2002

Jim Bowden
Reds GM
Whoever wants to know the heart and mind of America had better learn baseball, the rules and realities of the game, wrote the oft-quoted Jacques Barzun in God's Country and Mine (1954).

On Thursday August 1, while talking to reporters at Cinergy Park, Cincinnati Reds General Manager Jim Bowden said,

"If the players go on strike, they ought to just pick Sept. 11...If they do walk out, I encourage all of them make sure it's Sept. 11. Be symbolic about it...[Players Union head] Donald Fehr should drive the plane right into the building, if that's what they want to do."

Later that day a local Cincinnati reporter talked with Bowden during the Reds-Dodgers game at Cinergy:

"In retrospect, do you think what you said this morning about a possible strike was inappropriate?" the reporter asked.

"What do you mean?" asked Bowden.

"The analogy." said the reporter.

"My point, which a lot of players have made, is the game can't handle a work stoppage," Bowden answered.

Bowden is an idiot. Two days later Major League Baseball fined Bowden an undisclosed sum for an "insensitive and inappropriate" comparison of baseball's labor problems to the Sept.11 terrorist attack. Reds broadcaster Joe Nuxhall was reportedly "outraged" at Bowden's comments. Keith Olbermann, writing at called for Bowden's resignation, perhaps ignoring a U.S. citizen's right to utter freely his opinions, even if those opinions are stupid and insensitive as Bowden's words were.

The hearts of all caring people ache at the senseless tragedy of September 11. That the minds of some of those in baseball are senseless is hardly a news bulletin.

(Note: Cincinnati has become the home of stupid baseball people: Schott, Rose and now Bowden.)

Pre-Raphaelites Edge Rapunzeloids
August 3, 2002
Link to Game Report
This season's Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood has not yet won forty games. (Only the Bolex Poetics in the Middleleague have won less.) But you wouldn't be able to tell today in this game that the P.R.B. was sitting securely in the cellar of the Underleague, almost forty games away from the league leading Chopintown Preluders.

The Zel City Rapunzels, a new cosmic team this season, are sitting squarely in the middle of the Underleague pack playing about .500 baseball. Their rookie pitchers are beginning to show the strain of a long season so a fade is not to be unexpected.

The Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood is by now a veteran cosmic baseball team and thst's exactly what they looked like today. Unfortunately, for most games this season, they've looked like tired old folks trying to cover up their poor skills with distracting antics. But they displayed no antics during this game and the end result was a rare win.

Donna Stone Interview
August 1, 2002
Link to Interview
Donna Reed
as Donna Stone
Donna Stone took over the field management of the Motherland Mothers on July 15th. A week later she granted an interview to News & Information. In the interview she describes her reaction to getting the call at home from Mothers' GM Gabrielle Kerouac. Stone also talks about her role as a 1950s imaginary mother role model.

While the Donna Reed Show was garnering success over the television broadcast waves, a group of editors at Look Magazine were publishing a book about the effects of "Momism" in America. In the book The Decline of the American Male (Random House: New York. 1958) three questions are asked about American men: Why Do Women Dominate Him?, Why is He Afraid to be Different? and Why Does He Work So Hard? Donna Stone, the make-believe televsion mother born into American consciousness in the late 1950s is symbolic of the stronger, more assertive, more independent mother/wife that continues to confound American men.

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Archived: August 31, 2002
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