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June 28, 2008

The Mitchell Report to the Commissioner of Baseball

Major League Baseball
Clemens Controversy Study Group

Eileen Stein, CBA's chairwoman, authorized the formation of a Roger Clemens Controversy Study Group at the Cosmic Baseball Research Alliance. The members of the study group will examine facts without opinion and report their findings. Citing CBA's Pete Rose Controversy plate on the internet, Ms. Stein recommended the Study Group focus on the cultural issues raised by the Clemens controversy.

Many issues, moral, medical, and emotional are stirred by the allegations in the The Mitchell Report to the Commissioner of [Major League] Baseball, which alleged that Clemens, a seven-time Cy Young Award winner, used illegal drugs when playing Major League Baseball. Clemens denied the allegations to a United States congressional committee but public opinion appears to favor the view that Clemens is guilty as alleged.

According to Ms. Stein, the deciding factor that led to the Study Group authorization was the fact that Clemens was born on the same day that the ex-wife of Yankee legend Joe DiMaggio died. That intersection of baseball culture with contemporary events (Clemens allegedly had an intimate affair with a country singer who has sung about Marilyn Monroe) was sufficient to enable the Study Group to do its work.

June 10, 2008

James Hampton on the Throne

Washington Presidents
Hampton Quits Field Manager Role

James Hampton, a General Services Administration janitor and noted Washington-based artist, and the Washington Presidents' field manager since last year when he replaced Karl Rove, quit today amid a storm of controversy. The tension between Hampton and his coach Dick Cheney bubbled into public view when the two were caught shouting at each other in the dugout during a home game against the Orchomena Dahlias last week. Their problems began at the end of last season (the Presidents finished 11 games out of first with a 76-86 .469 record).

Hampton's next move may be related to the Obama bid to become the next member of the team's roster. The diffident creator of The Throne of the third Heaven of the Nations' Millennium General Assembly (on display at the Smithsonian's Museum of American Art) has become an increasingly controversial character inside the confines of cosmic baseball.

The Presidents announced that Cheney would be the team's interim field manager. A permanent replacement should be named soon said a spokeswoman for team GM Martha Washington. There is, reportedly, tension between Washington and Cheney, so it is unlikely that the real Vice President of the United States will get the field manager's job on a permanent basis.

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Published: July 18, 2008