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Archived: February 29, 2004
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Hall of Fame Controversy
Capitalists Draft Alan F. Holmer
February 23, 2004
Link to PhRMA Home
The Heartland Capitalists have drafted Alan F. Holmer, a catcher from the American Pharmaceutical Industry League.

In real life, Holmer has led a distinguished career both in public service and in private business. It's not entirely clear what Mr. Horner did for the couple of years between graduating Princeton University in 1971 and starting law school at Georgetown University in 1975. In any case, he became a government tax lawyer in 1978 and three years later he was appointed by U.S. President Ronald Reagan to the position of Deputy Assistant to the President for Intergovernmental Affairs. In 1983 he became the Deputy Assistant Secretary for Import Administration at the Commerce Department. Two years later he was named General Counsel to the U.S. Trade Representative and two years after that, in 1987, he was named Deputy U.S. Trade Administrator which carries with it the official title of "Ambassador." In 1989 he left government service and formed the International Trade Practice group at the global law firm Sidley and Austin. In 1996, Mr. Holmer became the President and Chief Executive Officer of the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America (PhRMA).

PhRMA is a trade association group comprised of pharmaceutical companies. As head of PhRMA, Mr. Holmer is the chief spokesman for the U.S. pharmaceutical industry. With the drafting of Holmer, the Capitalists continue their trend of drafting and signing chief executives and eschewing economists and other economic thinkers.

CBA Restructures Active Playing Teams & Leagues
February 22, 2004
Link to Season 2004 Main Plate
CBA issued "Special Directive No. 3" today which radically changed the structure of the active cosmic playing teams and leagues. Twelve (12) teams have been deactivated and eleven (11) teams are retained from last season. A new team consisting of prescription drugs, the New Ceutical City Pharmers, will also join the ranks of the active playing cosmic teams. The twelve active teams will be organized into two leagues with six squads each. The Upperleague consists of the six teams from the now defunct Overleague. The Lowerleague consists of teams from both the old Under and old Middle Leagues. The Subleague Series has been discontinued and the annual Cosmic Universal Series will be played between the best team in the Upperleague and the best team in the Lowerleague. According to "Special Directive No. 3" these changes take effect immediately and will be in force at the beginning of the 2004 Season on March 15.

Link to Special Directive No. 3

Personal Cosmic Game: Breasts Beat Men
February 9, 2004
Link to Game Report
Janet Jackson pitched her sisters to victory in this personal cosmic baseball game, inspired, in part, by Janet's Super Bowl foolishness. Facing brother Michael, who stood in as the opposing pitcher, Janet and her teammates battled and prevailed on the cosmic field. The Men were played by various characters, including magazine publishers Hugh Hefner, Bob Guccione and Larry Flynt. The Breasts included in their lineup Thelma Oliver, an actress who bared her breasts in the 1965 film The Pawnbroker, Jean Harlow and famed San Francisco topless dancer, Carol Doda.

Paradise Pisces Look at Four Possible Draftees
February 2, 2004
Top to bottom: Nixon, Clark, Bowles, Clarke
The Paradise Pisces, reeling from a poor season, are looking at four women as possible draft choices. A soprano, an actress, a writer and a musician all born on February 22 are under consideration by the Pisces' top brass. It is unlikely that all four would be drafted but the team does want to shake things up.

Under consideration...

Marni Nixon. Born February 22, 1929. An American born soprano, Ms. Nixon is known primarily as providing the singing voice for actresses in musicals. She sang for Deborah Kerr in The King and I (1956). She was singing for Natalie Wood in West Side Story (1961). She also provided the singing voice for Marilyn Monroe, Ethel Waters, and Janet Leigh. Ms. Nixon had a television show in Seattle, Washington and also pursues an acting career. She is an Infielder.

Marguerite Clark. Born February 22, 1883 in Ohio. In 1916 Ms. Clark was voted "top female star" in America. She received that honor again in 1920. In her day she was one of the highest paid stars in Hollywood. Not always compared favorably to Mary Pickford, Clark's films are not much noticed anymore. The diminutive actress, she stood 4'11", retired in 1921. That same year she produced and starred in the film Scrambled Wives which had one scene shot in color. Clark died in New York on September 25, 1940. She is a Pitcher.

Jane Bowles. Born February 22, 1917 in New York. The Beat, post-modern writer William Burroughs called Jane Bowles' novel Two Serious Ladies a 20th Century classic. Other writers, including the playwright Tennessee Williams, the novelist Truman Capote, the poet John Ashberry, praise her writing as intense, serious, personal. Jane Bowles existed in the artistic culture that fermented in Greenwich Village, New York and breeze vectored into such places as Mexico and Morocco during the 1940s. She married the musician/writer Paul Bowles in 1938 and their marriage was unconventional for their time. Paul was gay and Jane was a lesbian. Struck down by a stroke in 1957 Jane Bowles' health deteriorated so that by 1967 she was confined to hospitals and clinics in Spain. She died May 4, 1973 in Malaga, Spain. Bowles is a Pitcher.

Rebecca Clarke. Born February 22, 1886. Born in England, Ms. Clarke became a distinguished violinist and composer. She composed the Viola Sonata (1919) and Piano Trio (1921) at a time when women had difficulty getting their composed work recognized. In 1944 she married professional pianist James Friskin. Between 1969-1973 she wrote her memoir, oddly entitled I Had a Father Too (or The Mustard Spoon). She lived in New York until her death at 93 on October 13, 1979. Clarke is an Outfielder.

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Archived: February 29, 2004